All my life, I have faced this question: What does it mean to be a man? I first puzzled over this when I was a young child, and I continue to wrestle with it today.
From a very early age we learn what it means to be a man by how those around us treat us, speak to us, and influence us. They teach us whether they know they do or not. And we are learning whether we know it or not. It follows us through everything we do. And like me, I am finding that most men made up a lot of stuff about being a man, and every man I have ever spoken to admits that there are times when he questions whether or not he is the right kind of man. Now it seems multitudes of people are asking this question, and I say, "Thank God for that!"
For many years I felt as though I was on the outside, looking in on masculinity. I felt sure I was not a man - not really, anyway. You know why? Because a lot who I was seemed seemed so different from how I thought men were supposed to be. I liked to joke around and was good at sports - but I wanted to connect with guy friends at a deeper level, and you just didn't do that, at least not without the help of alcohol or drugs. But I never said any of this out loud. I kept that conversation inside. It seemed as though my masculinity was always on trial, and I was always guilty of not being manly enough. This personal, ongoing journey is what has brought me to the work I am now honored to be doing.
So what does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? This fundamental question is the foundation around which our new trauma-informed and gender-responsive curriculum is developed. How do we encourage men to honestly address these questions and doubts when they are seeking sobriety? Although it is difficult and sometimes painful, men need to face this question the second they begin working towards recovery.
The time inevitably comes when we have to face our addiction and ourselves in a totally new way. The people aiding us on the path towards recovery from addiction say that we have to ask for assistance, "let go," talk about our feelings, and many other actions that do not seem very manly. But we do them anyway, because we know our lives depend on it.
Whatever trauma or pain has broken us in our addiction is ultimately what strengthens us in recovery. We do what we are told despite how uncomfortable it is, and something happens: we get better. We feel better. Many of us feel more vital than we have in decades, and some of us feel alive for the first time in our lives.
That is the amazing thing about recovery from addiction: we have the opportunity to find freedom from something that we did not know was imprisoning us. Most men do not even recognize at first that the transformation is occurring. They go to meetings. They hug other men because that is what they see other men are doing. They reach out for help when they need it, because they are told this will provide support in their sobriety. They talk about their inner lives - sometimes for the first time - because they come to realize that if they don't, many of them will undoubtedly go back to using. So we keep doing what we are instructed to do. We watch those whom we respect and emulate their actions. Slowly, we transform as men. We become, in our most true moments, shining lights of what it means to be real men.
So, again I ask: What does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? The beauty and challenge of the answer is that there is no wrong answer. It means whatever you want it to mean. It always means whatever you want it to mean. You are not bound to anything, because you can always change your mind. The possibilities are endless, and once you get out of the narrow definition, the universe opens up to you as it never has before. In that clearing you find yourself - and you become the man you were truly meant to be. For me, although it can be difficult to practice, the answer to this question is quite simple: Be who you are.
From a very early age we learn what it means to be a man by how those around us treat us, speak to us, and influence us. They teach us whether they know they do or not. And we are learning whether we know it or not. It follows us through everything we do. And like me, I am finding that most men made up a lot of stuff about being a man, and every man I have ever spoken to admits that there are times when he questions whether or not he is the right kind of man. Now it seems multitudes of people are asking this question, and I say, "Thank God for that!"
For many years I felt as though I was on the outside, looking in on masculinity. I felt sure I was not a man - not really, anyway. You know why? Because a lot who I was seemed seemed so different from how I thought men were supposed to be. I liked to joke around and was good at sports - but I wanted to connect with guy friends at a deeper level, and you just didn't do that, at least not without the help of alcohol or drugs. But I never said any of this out loud. I kept that conversation inside. It seemed as though my masculinity was always on trial, and I was always guilty of not being manly enough. This personal, ongoing journey is what has brought me to the work I am now honored to be doing.
So what does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? This fundamental question is the foundation around which our new trauma-informed and gender-responsive curriculum is developed. How do we encourage men to honestly address these questions and doubts when they are seeking sobriety? Although it is difficult and sometimes painful, men need to face this question the second they begin working towards recovery.
The time inevitably comes when we have to face our addiction and ourselves in a totally new way. The people aiding us on the path towards recovery from addiction say that we have to ask for assistance, "let go," talk about our feelings, and many other actions that do not seem very manly. But we do them anyway, because we know our lives depend on it.
Whatever trauma or pain has broken us in our addiction is ultimately what strengthens us in recovery. We do what we are told despite how uncomfortable it is, and something happens: we get better. We feel better. Many of us feel more vital than we have in decades, and some of us feel alive for the first time in our lives.
That is the amazing thing about recovery from addiction: we have the opportunity to find freedom from something that we did not know was imprisoning us. Most men do not even recognize at first that the transformation is occurring. They go to meetings. They hug other men because that is what they see other men are doing. They reach out for help when they need it, because they are told this will provide support in their sobriety. They talk about their inner lives - sometimes for the first time - because they come to realize that if they don't, many of them will undoubtedly go back to using. So we keep doing what we are instructed to do. We watch those whom we respect and emulate their actions. Slowly, we transform as men. We become, in our most true moments, shining lights of what it means to be real men.
So, again I ask: What does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? The beauty and challenge of the answer is that there is no wrong answer. It means whatever you want it to mean. It always means whatever you want it to mean. You are not bound to anything, because you can always change your mind. The possibilities are endless, and once you get out of the narrow definition, the universe opens up to you as it never has before. In that clearing you find yourself - and you become the man you were truly meant to be. For me, although it can be difficult to practice, the answer to this question is quite simple: Be who you are.
About the Author:
To find out more about Dan Griffin and the groundbreaking trauma informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, which looks comprehensively and holistically at men's needs and issues in recovery, go to http://www.dangriffin.com.
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