I still have vivid memories sitting on the top stair outside of my parents' bedroom, hearing my mother screaming and crying as I was trying to get up the nerve to open the door or bang on it, once he had finally gotten smart enough to lock it. Or crying myself to sleep through the only slightly muffled sound of my parents yelling, cursing, and belittling each other - only to pretend like nothing had happened the next day. Or my Dad grabbing me by my leg as I was trying to get away from him,pulling me down the stairs and then proceeding to hit me. I could go on.
Unbelievable as it might seem, I was confused as to whether what I had grown up in was truly violent. It was only until I got into relationships with people who did know the difference that I began to see that how I grew up was not normal. Because of this, it would be irresponsible of me not to talk about the effect that men's trauma has on women and children. It's true that compassion for men is essential, but we have to be careful that compassion does not become enabling or diminishing of the horrific violence that women and children are enduring on a daily basis because of unaddressed trauma.
Here are some stark statistics to always keep in mind when we are talking about men and trauma:
* Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Due to multiple occurrences, approximately 4.8 million intimate-partner rapes and physical assaults against women are committed annually (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000).
* Women aged sixteen to twenty-four experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence (19.6 victimizations per 1,000 women) (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009).
* One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women. Most cases are never reported to the police. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009)
* In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations. [The majority of cases are never reported to the police.] (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010)
* About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010) [I believe that this number is actually much higher when we think about how much violence and abuse are often not openly talked about.]
The first thing that needed to happen in order for me to truly see and understand my behavior was that I had to realize that violence was so much more than what I thought it was. I was often so focused on my internal experience that I did not look at my external behavior. I did not realize that punching a wall was an act of violence - I thought it was avoiding violence!
Here are some other common examples of violence:
* Raising your voice at your partner in an effort to intimidate or silence.
* Using your physical body to intimidate in any way by size and strength alone. Most men are intimidating to women and children, and few men understand this.
* Slamming doors.
* Threatening harm to yourself or to your partner.
* Punching or kicking a wall or door with someone else in the room.
* Taking car keys or doing anything else to prevent your partner from leaving your presence or your home, or doing any other act that prevents your partner from seeking safety.
* Chasing your partner as he or she tries to leave or escape from you and your threatening behavior
In the mental health field, we should make one thing clear throughout - even strongly encouraging clinicians to put this message up in their offices and their group rooms: Whatever happened to you as a child - no matter what you did - was not your fault; and, whatever you do or have done as an adult that has harmed another - no matter what someone else has done - it is your responsibility and it needs to stop.
Unbelievable as it might seem, I was confused as to whether what I had grown up in was truly violent. It was only until I got into relationships with people who did know the difference that I began to see that how I grew up was not normal. Because of this, it would be irresponsible of me not to talk about the effect that men's trauma has on women and children. It's true that compassion for men is essential, but we have to be careful that compassion does not become enabling or diminishing of the horrific violence that women and children are enduring on a daily basis because of unaddressed trauma.
Here are some stark statistics to always keep in mind when we are talking about men and trauma:
* Approximately 1.5 million women are raped or physically assaulted by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Due to multiple occurrences, approximately 4.8 million intimate-partner rapes and physical assaults against women are committed annually (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2000).
* Women aged sixteen to twenty-four experience the highest per capita rates of intimate violence (19.6 victimizations per 1,000 women) (Bureau of Justice Statistics, 2003; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009).
* One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women. Most cases are never reported to the police. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 2009)
* In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations. [The majority of cases are never reported to the police.] (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010)
* About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse. (National Child Abuse Statistics, 2010) [I believe that this number is actually much higher when we think about how much violence and abuse are often not openly talked about.]
The first thing that needed to happen in order for me to truly see and understand my behavior was that I had to realize that violence was so much more than what I thought it was. I was often so focused on my internal experience that I did not look at my external behavior. I did not realize that punching a wall was an act of violence - I thought it was avoiding violence!
Here are some other common examples of violence:
* Raising your voice at your partner in an effort to intimidate or silence.
* Using your physical body to intimidate in any way by size and strength alone. Most men are intimidating to women and children, and few men understand this.
* Slamming doors.
* Threatening harm to yourself or to your partner.
* Punching or kicking a wall or door with someone else in the room.
* Taking car keys or doing anything else to prevent your partner from leaving your presence or your home, or doing any other act that prevents your partner from seeking safety.
* Chasing your partner as he or she tries to leave or escape from you and your threatening behavior
In the mental health field, we should make one thing clear throughout - even strongly encouraging clinicians to put this message up in their offices and their group rooms: Whatever happened to you as a child - no matter what you did - was not your fault; and, whatever you do or have done as an adult that has harmed another - no matter what someone else has done - it is your responsibility and it needs to stop.
About the Author:
Dan Griffin, M.A., is author of A Man's Way Through the Twelve Steps and co-author of the groundbreaking trauma-informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, which looks comprehensively and holistically at men's needs and issues in recovery. To get a free excerpt from his book and his curriculum, go to http://www.dangriffin.com.
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