If there is one message I truly wish to impart to anyone who has been reading this series, it is this: you can heal from the effects of trauma, and there is hope for you and/or the person you love.
The topic of men and trauma has been under-discussed and even ignored for far too long. To summarize the four articles in this series, the questions that need to be addressed are:
1.) How do we talk about men's violence and their experience of trauma in a meaningful way?
2.) What do we need to do to have a positive effect on men changing their violent and abusive behavior?
3.) How can we help men see their own pain and suffering, and then create places where they can feel safe enough to talk about these things?
To summarize the last four articles in this series, the questions that need to be addressed are:
1.) How do we talk about men's violence and their experience of trauma in a meaningful way?
2.) What do we need to do to have a positive effect on men changing their violent and abusive behavior?
3.) How can we help men see their own pain and suffering, and then create places where they can feel safe enough to talk about these things?
We now know based upon brain imaging techniques what many people have understood intuitively: that trauma literally gets locked in our brains and in our bodies. One of the breakthroughs in the field of trauma is a fundamental shift in our approach to those who have suffered, and that is moving from a place of asking accusingly, "What's wrong with you?" to a place of asking compassionately, "What happened to you?" It seems that this is a shift we should incorporate into our everyday lives and interactions.
There is no question that this is a difficult topic to address. Most of us will not even use the word "fear," certainly not at first. Often it is hard for men to talk about trauma without feeling as though we are somehow compromising our masculinity.
There is no question that this is a difficult topic to address. It can be very scary for men to talk about abuse and trauma; most of us will not even use the word "fear," certainly not at first. As I have been saying for years: it is hard for us as men to talk about trauma without feeling as though we are somehow compromising our masculinity.
Keeping all of our pain tucked away deep inside, many of us go through this world acting as tornadoes in others' lives, leaving a path of destruction everywhere we go. Our tendency as men is to externalize the effects of the trauma-which, simply stated, means we act out those effects with other people often directly in our line of fire. Then, perhaps worst of all, people react to our behavior and we can only see the injustice of our behavior not what we have done to help cause it. One of the hardest aspects of trauma is that you literally feel crazy-like Jekyll and Hyde or as if you have been possessed by some demon exhibiting behaviors and committing acts that horrify you and cause great personal shame.
There are those men who experience childhood trauma and they grow up not to be abusers but abused-by their partners, male and female! There is a small group of men and women helping to increase our society's awareness of men who are abused. That group of men coming forward are very courageous and have talked about the incredible shame and denial they have felt as a result of experiencing abuse in their most intimate relationships, especially from women.
Do you think you might be living with untreated trauma? If so, here are some questions taken directly from pages 233-234 of my book, A Man's Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book for men in recovery from all addictions, that can help you find an answer:
* Do you yell at other people or put them down in mean and hurtful ways?
* Do you find yourself mistreating your partner and sometimes feeling as if you are possessed or two different people?
* When you feel close to someone, do you often find yourself shutting down or becoming full of rage toward him or her?
* Do you mock your partner or become very uncomfortable when he or she cries or expresses vulnerability?
* When you feel sad or hurt, do you often turn to anger or rage or isolate in depression?
* Do you overreact to conflict with extreme engagement or avoidance?
* Are you easily startled?
* Do you find yourself struggling with violent thoughts on a regular basis?
* Do you push others away with sarcasm, ridicule, or abuse when they are getting too close?
* Do you push away people you love and care about by using anger to protect yourself from being hurt?
* Do you have visions or fantasies of hurting those you love?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should consider getting professional help if only to explore any questions you have or to get more information. If you think you may be suffering from the effects of trauma, go see a professional who is trained in treating trauma.
Part of what happens with trauma is that we write a story-or narrative in therapeutic parlance -about ourselves, and we live in that story as if it were true. In fact, a core part of trauma therapy is the reframing of the narrative. Of course, you can rewrite it all you want, but there is deeper work to be done. For me , it required gut-wrenching, curled-in-a-ball, give-anything-to-have-this demon-exorcised emotional work. There is certainly nothing fair about it all. The sooner you let go of that idea of life needing to be fair, the easier it will be for you to find peace through all of the rubbish, all of those distorted beliefs and behavior patterns. As the saying goes: There is no way out but through.
Part of what happens with trauma is that we write a story-or narrative in therapeutic parlance -about ourselves, and we live in that story as if it were true. We forget that we made it up. We forget that we can change the story at any time. In fact, a core part of trauma therapy is the reframing of the narrative. There is deeper work to be done. For me, it required gut-wrenching, curled-in-a-ball, give-anything-to-have-this demon-exorcised emotional work. As the saying goes: There is no way out but through.
Again, you cannot will this to happen-you have to do the work. Over and over. But it is worth it. There is no way out but through and on the other end is a life you cannot even imagine. You will know a new freedom and a new peace.
I have been getting a lot of people thanking me for writing these articles and speaking openly about these issues. I hope it generates a lot more men writing about the topic from as many perspectives as possible. This is where we have to start: by eradicating the stigma of men talking about abuse, while making sure we also connect it to men's violence and acknowledging when we have been perpetrators of abuse. More male voices are starting to break the silence. If you are fortunate-or determined enough-you will find the love and support you need. You will find your own path to healing, but not if you do not look for it and take the first steps. The most important advice I can give is to take the journey; you will never regret it, though there could very well be times when you are in such pain you wonder if it is worth it. I can say without hesitation that it is, and it will always be. That is a Promise.
The topic of men and trauma has been under-discussed and even ignored for far too long. To summarize the four articles in this series, the questions that need to be addressed are:
1.) How do we talk about men's violence and their experience of trauma in a meaningful way?
2.) What do we need to do to have a positive effect on men changing their violent and abusive behavior?
3.) How can we help men see their own pain and suffering, and then create places where they can feel safe enough to talk about these things?
To summarize the last four articles in this series, the questions that need to be addressed are:
1.) How do we talk about men's violence and their experience of trauma in a meaningful way?
2.) What do we need to do to have a positive effect on men changing their violent and abusive behavior?
3.) How can we help men see their own pain and suffering, and then create places where they can feel safe enough to talk about these things?
We now know based upon brain imaging techniques what many people have understood intuitively: that trauma literally gets locked in our brains and in our bodies. One of the breakthroughs in the field of trauma is a fundamental shift in our approach to those who have suffered, and that is moving from a place of asking accusingly, "What's wrong with you?" to a place of asking compassionately, "What happened to you?" It seems that this is a shift we should incorporate into our everyday lives and interactions.
There is no question that this is a difficult topic to address. Most of us will not even use the word "fear," certainly not at first. Often it is hard for men to talk about trauma without feeling as though we are somehow compromising our masculinity.
There is no question that this is a difficult topic to address. It can be very scary for men to talk about abuse and trauma; most of us will not even use the word "fear," certainly not at first. As I have been saying for years: it is hard for us as men to talk about trauma without feeling as though we are somehow compromising our masculinity.
Keeping all of our pain tucked away deep inside, many of us go through this world acting as tornadoes in others' lives, leaving a path of destruction everywhere we go. Our tendency as men is to externalize the effects of the trauma-which, simply stated, means we act out those effects with other people often directly in our line of fire. Then, perhaps worst of all, people react to our behavior and we can only see the injustice of our behavior not what we have done to help cause it. One of the hardest aspects of trauma is that you literally feel crazy-like Jekyll and Hyde or as if you have been possessed by some demon exhibiting behaviors and committing acts that horrify you and cause great personal shame.
There are those men who experience childhood trauma and they grow up not to be abusers but abused-by their partners, male and female! There is a small group of men and women helping to increase our society's awareness of men who are abused. That group of men coming forward are very courageous and have talked about the incredible shame and denial they have felt as a result of experiencing abuse in their most intimate relationships, especially from women.
Do you think you might be living with untreated trauma? If so, here are some questions taken directly from pages 233-234 of my book, A Man's Way through the Twelve Steps, the first trauma-informed book for men in recovery from all addictions, that can help you find an answer:
* Do you yell at other people or put them down in mean and hurtful ways?
* Do you find yourself mistreating your partner and sometimes feeling as if you are possessed or two different people?
* When you feel close to someone, do you often find yourself shutting down or becoming full of rage toward him or her?
* Do you mock your partner or become very uncomfortable when he or she cries or expresses vulnerability?
* When you feel sad or hurt, do you often turn to anger or rage or isolate in depression?
* Do you overreact to conflict with extreme engagement or avoidance?
* Are you easily startled?
* Do you find yourself struggling with violent thoughts on a regular basis?
* Do you push others away with sarcasm, ridicule, or abuse when they are getting too close?
* Do you push away people you love and care about by using anger to protect yourself from being hurt?
* Do you have visions or fantasies of hurting those you love?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should consider getting professional help if only to explore any questions you have or to get more information. If you think you may be suffering from the effects of trauma, go see a professional who is trained in treating trauma.
Part of what happens with trauma is that we write a story-or narrative in therapeutic parlance -about ourselves, and we live in that story as if it were true. In fact, a core part of trauma therapy is the reframing of the narrative. Of course, you can rewrite it all you want, but there is deeper work to be done. For me , it required gut-wrenching, curled-in-a-ball, give-anything-to-have-this demon-exorcised emotional work. There is certainly nothing fair about it all. The sooner you let go of that idea of life needing to be fair, the easier it will be for you to find peace through all of the rubbish, all of those distorted beliefs and behavior patterns. As the saying goes: There is no way out but through.
Part of what happens with trauma is that we write a story-or narrative in therapeutic parlance -about ourselves, and we live in that story as if it were true. We forget that we made it up. We forget that we can change the story at any time. In fact, a core part of trauma therapy is the reframing of the narrative. There is deeper work to be done. For me, it required gut-wrenching, curled-in-a-ball, give-anything-to-have-this demon-exorcised emotional work. As the saying goes: There is no way out but through.
Again, you cannot will this to happen-you have to do the work. Over and over. But it is worth it. There is no way out but through and on the other end is a life you cannot even imagine. You will know a new freedom and a new peace.
I have been getting a lot of people thanking me for writing these articles and speaking openly about these issues. I hope it generates a lot more men writing about the topic from as many perspectives as possible. This is where we have to start: by eradicating the stigma of men talking about abuse, while making sure we also connect it to men's violence and acknowledging when we have been perpetrators of abuse. More male voices are starting to break the silence. If you are fortunate-or determined enough-you will find the love and support you need. You will find your own path to healing, but not if you do not look for it and take the first steps. The most important advice I can give is to take the journey; you will never regret it, though there could very well be times when you are in such pain you wonder if it is worth it. I can say without hesitation that it is, and it will always be. That is a Promise.
About the Author:
Dan Griffin, M.A., has worked in the mental health and addictions field for over 16 years. He is author of A Man's Way Through the Twelve Steps and co-author of the groundbreaking trauma informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover, which looks comprehensively and holistically at men's needs and issues in recovery.
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